Adulthood is chock-full of disappointment. Our kids need to face the truth.

James Sicily, the captain of my beloved Hawthorn, is lining up for a crucial set shot at goal with just 63 seconds remaining in the 2024 AFL semi-final against Port Adelaide. He hits the post and, ultimately, the Hawks lose the match by three points, ending our finals campaign.

There was one emotion that united all Hawks fans at that moment, and it was disappointment. Whether it’s a missed goal, a failed exam, or the cancellation of a long-anticipated event, disappointment is woven into the fabric of life.

Yet, in my decades of working with young people, I have witnessed a growing reluctance – among parents and society at large – to allow children to experience and learn from disappointment. Instead, we rush to shield them, to smooth the path, and to rescue them at the first sign of distress. In doing so, we rob them of one of life’s most important teachers.

Disappointment, far from being an enemy, is a practice lap for adulthood – a necessary training ground where young people develop the resilience, perspective, and coping skills that will serve them throughout their lives.

When we allow young people to encounter disappointment, we give them the opportunity to process and label emotions. This emotional literacy is a cornerstone of mental health.

Each setback, when navigated with support rather than avoidance, becomes a stepping stone towards greater resilience. The ability to bounce back from disappointment is a skill that will be called upon repeatedly in adult life.

Disappointment teaches young people that setbacks are not the end of the world. It encourages them to step back, assess situations objectively, and reframe negative experiences in a constructive light.

Learning to manage disappointment without immediate adult intervention fosters autonomy and problem-solving skills – qualities essential for successful adulthood.

In recent years, there has been a well-intentioned but ultimately misguided trend towards overprotection. Parents, anxious to spare their children pain, intervene at the first sign of trouble – calling teachers to dispute grades, negotiating with coaches for more playing time, or simply removing obstacles altogether. This concierge parenting can go too far, undermining the authority and boundaries that young people need to thrive.

The result? A generation less equipped to handle life’s inevitable disappointments. When children are not allowed to fail, they do not learn that failure is survivable. When every setback is cushioned, they miss the chance to develop the grit and tenacity that adulthood demands.

So, what advice can this heritage-listed child and adolescent psychologist give parents when their offspring has to face disappointment?

First, resist the urge to immediately fix the problem. Step back and allow your child time to process their feelings and find the words to express them.

Next, help them assess the situation objectively. A reality check gets them to evaluate whether it is really as bad as it seems.

Importantly, don’t let disappointment fester into resentment or anxiety. Encourage constructive reflection rather than rumination.

Finally, do talk about it when they are ready, as encouraging expression can help young people process disappointment in a healthy way. Young people work much better as processing plants for emotions than sterile containers.

Simple techniques, such as deep breathing, can help manage the physiological response to disappointment, keeping young people in “thinking mode” rather than “reaction mode”.

Adulthood is not a series of uninterrupted triumphs. It is, more often, a journey marked by challenges, setbacks, and the need for adaptation. By allowing our children to experience and learn from disappointment, we are not being cruel – we are preparing them for reality. We are teaching them that randomness and chaos happen in the universe, that life can be tough, that things can go wrong, and that what matters most is how we respond.

As parents and caregivers, our role is not to eliminate disappointment but to walk alongside our young people as they navigate it. We must model resilience, encourage positive thinking, and provide the support they need to emerge stronger from each setback.

James Sicily will have other kicks, and Hawthorn will rise again, just as our children will face new challenges and setbacks. If we can teach them to greet disappointment not with fear or avoidance but with courage and curiosity, we will have given them a gift far greater than any fleeting victory.

Michael Carr-Gregg is an adolescent psychologist and the author of 18 books on mental health.

https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/adulthood-is-chock-full-of-disappointment-our-kids-need-to-face-the-truth-20250523-p5m1qd.html

Social Media Bans for Under-16s: Noble Idea, Fool’s Errand

You probably missed it (buried somewhere between the election postmortems and the slick handling of Daly Cherry-Evans by the Sea Eagles) the European Commission’s Joint Research Centre dropped a bombshell in March: marinating in social media, with its endless pings and dopamine hits, doesn’t just fray young nerves—it might actually rewire the emotional circuitry of the brain.

These platforms aren’t just digital playgrounds; they’re meticulously engineered attention traps, designed to keep young minds scrolling, swiping, and—let’s be honest—spiralling.

Let’s not sugar-coat it: social media is less a sparkling stream and more a psychological sewer, and our kids are wading in deeper every year. Zoom in to 2025, and Australian 13–15-year-olds are clocking up a jaw-dropping 371 minutes a day on these platforms. TikTok, Snapchat, Roblox—take your pick. The numbers are climbing faster than a viral dance challenge: 29% of 9–10-year-olds, 59% of 11–12-year-olds, and a whopping 92% of 15–16-year-olds are logging in daily.

Every week, I see the casualties: anxiety, sextortion, cyberbullying, sleep deprivation, and the never-ending quest to polish the “perfect” online persona. Wanting to protect our kids isn’t just reasonable—it’s non-negotiable. But the PM’s plan to slap a blanket ban on under-16s using social media? Well-meaning, sure. But as practical solutions go, it’s right up there with banning teenagers from ever eating fries. Good luck with that.

Let’s get real. The notion that we can legislate every under-16 off TikTok, Instagram, and Snapchat is pure fantasy. Today’s teens are digital ninjas—they’ll sidestep age gates, borrow a parent’s details, or conjure up a workaround faster than you can say “Terms and Conditions.” Unless we’re keen on launching a national biometric dragnet (paging George Orwell), there’s simply no foolproof way to verify age online.

Even the tech giants admit it: enforcing a 16+ ban is a logistical migraine. The more you tighten the net, the more loopholes appear—and the more likely you are to spark privacy nightmares and a booming black market for fake accounts.

If we’re serious about change, let’s aim for what’s actually doable. There’s already an international baseline: 13 is the minimum age for social media, thanks to the US’s COPPA law. That’s not just a number plucked from a hat—under-13s simply aren’t wired for the emotional rollercoaster of likes, comments, and DMs. They’re sitting ducks for predators, scams, and the addictive feedback loops these platforms are built on.

A ban for under-13s? Achievable, defensible, and—crucially—something parents, schools, and platforms can actually enforce. The tech is already in place (imperfect, but leagues ahead of anything for older teens). And let’s face it: telling a 10-year-old “no Instagram” is a lot easier than prying a phone from a 15-year-old whose social life lives online.

Of course, even a 13+ rule won’t fix everything. But it’s a start. The real fix? Education. We need to raise a generation of digital navigators, not digital castaways. That means digital literacy in every classroom, parental controls that actually work, and honest conversations at home.

We won’t keep kids safe by pretending we can lock them out of the digital world. We keep them safe by teaching them how to survive—and thrive—within it.

To the politicians championing a 16+ ban: I get it. You want to protect kids. So do I. But let’s not pass laws that sound tough but fold like a cheap deck chair in reality. Focus on under-13s—where science, law, and logic actually meet. Anything more is smoke and mirrors, and risks leaving teens more exposed, not less.

Frankly, prevention is best.

Australia is facing a silent epidemic: one in six of our children is living with a mental health condition, yet our policies and investments remain stubbornly focused on adults, leaving our youngest citizens in the shadows.

Last week, I caught up with a friend and colleague Professor Frank Oberklaid, a tireless champion for child wellbeing. I always admired Frank when we worked together at the Royal Children’s Hospital in the late 90’s. He was passionate then and he’s still fired up about child mental health but this time he is sounding the alarm—and it’s time we all listened.

The facts are as stark as they are shocking: more than half of all adult mental health issues begin before age 14, with warning signs often emerging as young as five.

By the time a child finally receives help, problems have often become entrenched, complex, and far harder—and costlier to treat.

Frank Oberklaid’s message is blunt: prevention and early intervention are not just more humane, they are more effective and economically sensible.

But our current system waits for crisis. We rely on parents to spot problems, even as they struggle to find time and information in the chaos of modern life.

We stigmatize mental health, making it harder for families and teachers to speak up. We treat mental health as a private battle, not a public responsibility.

Oberklaid offers a radical, practical alternative. Schools, he argues, are the great equalizer—a universal, non-stigmatizing platform where every child can be seen, supported, and taught the skills of resilience. Programs like Smiling Mind are already training teachers to spot trouble early, build coping strategies, and connect families with help before problems spiral. You can read all about the impact of this program here.

He’s also changing the conversation. The Children’s Wellbeing Continuum - a simple tool that frames children’s experiences from “Good” to “Overwhelmed”—is giving parents, teachers, and health professionals a shared language to spot and discuss mental health struggles without shame or blame. It’s a game-changer, breaking down barriers and making early support possible.

The truth is, we know what works. We know that teaching emotional and self-regulation skills, building resilience, and supporting families pays dividends for a lifetime. We know that early action saves money, heartache, and futures.

So why are we still waiting for children to break before we offer help? Why are we still treating child mental health as an afterthought?

Don’t forget the parents -and my friends at SchoolTV . It’s never been more challenging for parents to raise happy, healthy and resilient children. The SchoolTV platform provides schools with an extensive range of wellbeing resources for parents, so they can work together in partnership to ensure better wellbeing for all students. Make sure your child’s primary school knows about both SchoolTV and the Smiling Mind program which teaches, our wonderful primary school teachers how to deliver mental fitness in an evidence based way.

Frank Oberklaid’s call to action is clear: prevention is not a luxury, it’s a necessity. If we want a thriving, resilient nation, we must invest in our children’s mental health - now, not later. Anything less is a failure of imagination, compassion, and common sense.

Sunrise - Naomi Osaka Mental Health

Coping with Home schooling and the Coronavirus - summary of Zoom webinar 23/3/20

The spread of the coronavirus has turned life upside down, almost overnight, for millions of people around the world. Being a teenager is complicated even without a global pandemic in the mix, and this information is about helping young people navigate a new reality of remote schoolwork, lots of family time, and a ton of uncertainty about what happens next.

As the spread of the coronavirus leads tp more school closures across Australia, many parents are finding themselves faced with the prospect of their children learning at home. The reality is that the coronavirus has turned many caregivers around the world into homeschoolers. This transition is daunting. It's unfamiliar. And it's also critically important to ameliorate the disruptions the virus has caused in education for the year. Ideally, teachers will provide regular classes, online, to help meet your son or daughter’s academic needs.

From a psychological point of view it is important, no matter their age, to provide structure. And it is important that young people don’t see this as an indefinite holiday. The evidence so far from my clients whose schools have closed, is that the vast majority can learn to school themselves, as long as caregivers have set the groundwork to help them succeed.  Home-schooling does not necessarily mean that the parent is the teacher - but they should provide structure. Most students work off a schedule in their classrooms, so recreating something similar at home can ease the transition to a different learning environment for the foreseeable future. Here are 5 points to bear in mind:

• The first step is to make a daily schedule. Use an app or old fashioned three-ring binder with a daily schedule per page. Every week, fill in the times for online classes, study time, reading, leisure time and household chores. Most traditional school programs incorporate some sort of lunch  period and a recess in the morning and a homeschool schedule should be no different.

• Second, education experts recommend where possible that students set up a discreet learning space, relatively free of interruptions and preferably not in a bedroom (which should ideally, be associated with sleep). While online classes are in progress, all distracting mobile devices should be off and  in another room.

• Third, while most schools will provide students with access to online education during the shutdown, supplementing their education with other tools can help young people explore interests they don’t have time for during the school year. Caregivers can use a mix of free and paid sites like Outschool.com, ProdigyGame.com and KhanAcademy.org

• Fourth, while many young people have and will make a seamless transition to homeschooling, some may struggle - so acknowledging it is a stressful time for them and offering reassurance around just doing their best can be helpful. Some days will be easier than others. Students accustomed to the school environment won't be as focused - but we can do things to make them feel more secure and to make us feel like we're making the most of this challenging time (eg:use the mindfulness app Smiling Mind for just 10 minutes a day). Allow for the fact that kids will be holding a lot of tension around all these sudden and often stressful changes to their routines and lives - and may need time to adjust.

• Fifth, from a nutritional perspective if possible preparing lunch and recess snacks for the school day should go on as per usual, so that the homschooler don’t just graze all day. That means selecting foods that pack a  nutritional punch in order to ensure they are getting the fibre, vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, and other health- and immune-supporting compounds they need. (Check out the book Smart Snacks). Select fruits, vegetables and nuts as a snack, encourage the consumption of leafy greens and tomatoes every day, and select whole grain breads and cereals. The dietiticians suggests eating legumes 3 or 4 times per week, oily fish at least twice a week and lean red meat 3 or 4 times per week, as well as 2 to 3 serves of reduced fat dairy products every day.

Lastly, social distancing is not the same as social isolation, remember our sons and daughters can still engage in fun activities and experts say being outdoors is a safe option, so the schedule should include time for walking, running, or bike rides.

For students with special needs, many already have individualised education plans (IEPs) to help them succeed. While parents are an important part of developing these plans, they are generally not the ones who administer them. But in a homeschool environment, parents must run the show. If struggling, contact your school welfare staff for advice.

Special mention needs to be made about final year students who unfortunately, now face unprecedented disruption and uncertainty around the completion of their year. It may be harder to get one on one feedback from teachers in all subjects, access to laboratories, chemicals and equipment for science students will be limited and language students may find it harder to engage in active conversation with teachers.

ddAt the time of writing - most Education Departments are still to make firm decision as to how or if the final exams will be held, so we all have to wait, which is particularly unsettling.

With respect to more family time, at a time when most young people are spreading their psychological wings, being away from friends and in some cases stuck at home can be difficult. What can adults do to maintain relationships? The key actions are to be understanding, acknowledge how hard things must be and offering support. Using humour, trying to resolve conflicts quickly and doing a daily emotional check-in with regular family meetings - may help diffuse tensions.

Children aren't the only ones relegated to working from home in the immediate future. I recognise that many parents have been asked to do the same. This means that hundreds of thousands of mothers and fathers likely will be forced to balance homeschooling with their day-to-day responsibilities at work. We just need to try to do our best, whether we are teachers, parents or working professionals. There's no map for this journey that we're on.

Finally, the young people will take their lead from us. The responsible message is to let them know that as the adults in their life, we are taking the coronavirus seriously but we are not panicking, The truth is that history shows the Coronavirus will run its course. This is not the end of the world. The models predict that Corona virus will eventually peak - then the Australian public will stop working from home, start travelling again and economic activity will return. Many experts say that therapeutic drugs will be out in a few months and we will probably have a vaccine by next year.

This is not downplaying what is happening, it is just context. So be vigilant, don’t be scared, remain calm and clean. Australia is one of the greatest countries on earth and we have beaten more dangerous things than this and we will do it again.

Key tips for young people:

• Be mindful of exposure to information through traditional and social media. Take a break from the 24-hour news cycle.

• Do things that make you feel physically and emotionally safe, and be with those who are helpful to your wellbeing

• Engage in activities that promote a sense of calm and feeling grounded (use of alcohol and other drugs can be counterproductive with this)

•e at well, stay active, get enough sleep and cut back on alcohol and drugs.

• It can help to talk with a trusted adult if it all feels a bit much

Set a Watching Brief

Parents have an important role to play in role modelling a positive approach to using screens, and assisting children to navigate the content that they watch.

It’s time to get new year routines established before school goes back, and many families are asking about screen time. How much is too much? Should we establish some ground rules?

When I was a kid they told me I’d get “square eyes” if I watched too much TV.

We only had one TV though, and when Dad got home he took it over, so “too much TV” never happened.

Now every home is full of screens and devices, and so is the car, and a lot of children are carrying screens around in their pockets.

They’re watching YouTube, they’re on social media, they’re gaming and they’re watching TV content on all those screens.

The talk about “square eyes” has morphed into more credible concerns about obesity, lost time for active play and homework, addiction to devices and anti-social behaviour.

So it seems like a good question — how much is too much?

Last year the World Health Organisation (WHO) offered up inflexible guidelines which were disputed by many experts and ignored by most families.

The recommendations were for no screen time at all for children under two, less than an hour a day for children aged from two to five, and less than two hours for five to 17 year olds. Lots of sleep and active play are vital for growing children.

We must make sure they get enough of both those things.

But shielding children from screen time altogether or focusing only on the amount of time they spend on screens is a lost opportunity.

The American Academy of Paediatrics takes a more nuanced approach, and one that makes a lot of sense. They recognise that not all screen time is equal and talk about the context in which children are viewing and the quality of the content they are watching.

They recommend that families develop a media plan that takes into account the health, education and entertainment needs of each child, as well as the whole family.

They also recommend that when children are viewing it should be high quality content made especially for them, and point to the positive impact of co-viewing with your children when you can.

Parents have an important role to play in role modelling a positive approach to using screens, and assisting children to navigate the content that they watch.

In Australia, we’re blessed with terrific quality content for children and my recommendation to parents is to engage with what your children are watching and make sure that it’s quality content. Last year preschoolers and their families fell in love with Bluey — delighting in its familiar Brisbane setting and relatable stories which are tender and hilarious in equal measure.

If you’ve got primary school aged children, there’s a lot of great new Australian content for them, too. Your kids might be inspired by the young detectives in The Inbestigators or the handball champions in Hardball.

These shows were developed with support from the Australian Children’s Television Foundation (ACTF) and it shows (full disclosure — I’m on the board of the ACTF).

The ACTF has been bringing Australian shows to Australian kids for 38 years — who can forget Round The Twist? The hallmark of all their shows is how inclusive and relatable they are — they’re Australian, high quality, full of affirmative values and lots of fun.

Even if you’re not watching everything with the kids, you can talk to them about what they’re watching, why they like it and point them towards quality content that would suit their interests.

You don’t let your kids run amok on the road, and neither should you on the internet.

So it’s not just enough to set the clock for “screen time”.

Make this an opportunity to develop discerning viewers and have fun with quality content, via your 2020 family media plan.

Article published in Sydney Telegraph and

Written by Dr Michael Carr-Gregg